If I had to describe this year in one word, I’d say it’s been revealing.
My eyes have been opened to parts of myself I needed to acknowledge and work to change.
When I first began to realize and awaken in the early months of this year to how my past was still subconsciously affecting my mindset and actions on an every day basis despite the fact I had tried to put it all behind me, I was shook up to say the least. It was so hard for me to realize that I had so much work to begin doing.
In the next few months I’d begin coming to the realization that I was the source of a great deal of the emotional turmoil in my own life, and that was a hard truth to swallow as well. The guilt of realizing that it had been my extreme sensitivity, me overreacting, my intense emotions that leave me self centered, that had caused practically every poorly handled conflict that had ever risen in my relationship over the last two years was hard to swallow. As someone who strives to do their best at everything and who truly does have good intentions when it comes to how I treat others, it truly hurt in my heart to accept the ways I had hurt one of the people I loved most in moments I was also hurting inside myself.
I began to struggle quite often with panic attacks as my self esteem was suffering due to the weight of the guilt I carried for all the times I now knew I hadn’t acted in the ways my conscience knew I should. I became increasingly aware that the self work I’d known I needed to do, the daily prayer and meditation I hadn’t been prioritizing, the yoga and stretching to release tension and negative energy, were going to be the keys to slowly establishing a better, more positive mindset in order to cultivate the love I need for myself. Despite the fact I’ve known in my heart I needed to work on loving myself for a long time, I’ve found myself incapable of doing it. I honestly felt like I would never be able to genuinely and deeply love myself in the same way I do others. After growing up a victim to toxic verbal abuse as a child, my inner voice became self loathing, overly critical, and negative as a whole.
But this year over and over again it’s been revealed to me that self love is the only solution to almost every problem I have. It’s my lack of love for myself that’s keeping me from loving others to the best of my abilities. My lack of love for myself causes me to panic and shut down when I think I’ve done anything wrong. My lack of love for myself leaves me pursuing perfection endlessly even though I know it’s impossible, and loathing myself when it winds up being unachievable.
So for me, my main focus in this new year & new decade is going to be self love more than anything. Loving myself first... so that I can love others fully and completely. Loving myself in the ways I love others, full of empathy for their pain, always there to comfort and support them, always reminding them of the beauty in them and just how much I love them... now I’m wondering why it took me this long to realize I should be treating myself in that same way.